Ilya Rozanov’s bereavement

Ilya Rozanov’s bereavement is marked less by a clear expression of sorrow than by what remains unresolved: he had wanted his father to be proud of him, had not cried in more than a decade, and could not easily put his feelings into English. His father’s death brings those long-contained wishes to the surface during a conversation with Shane Hollander, but grief arrives entangled with family alienation, a declaration of love, and the fear that their relationship cannot safely continue.

News of the Death and the Return to Moscow

When Shane asks whether something has happened, Ilya confirms that his father is dead. The blunt announcement gives Shane little time to prepare; he is taken aback and begins to respond, but Ilya stops the exchange from becoming an easy expression of sympathy. Shane nevertheless tells him he is sorry. Ilya does not answer, and Shane hears him sniff sharply and make a tight, throaty sound. The small, involuntary response conveys what Ilya does not yet say directly: the news has reached him, even if he cannot turn that impact into an explanation.

Ilya returns to Moscow for the funeral and approaches the loss amid strained family relations. When Shane calls to ask how he is doing, Ilya can describe himself only as feeling bad. Asked how his family is treating him, he answers with a dark laugh and says they act as if he should not be there. The funeral therefore does not place him within a consoling family circle. His return brings him into contact with relatives from whom he expects rejection, and his immediate plan is to leave what remains of the family behind once the funeral is over.

Grief Without a Clear Name

Ilya is uncertain about what, exactly, has upset him. He wonders whether he is distressed about the wrong thing, and Shane suggests that he wishes matters could have been different. Ilya struggles to finish the thought: he wanted his father to do or say something, but cannot find the words. He finally says that English is too hard that day. The difficulty is not presented as a lack of feeling; rather, Ilya’s uncertainty and interrupted sentences show how little language he has available for what he is confronting.

The specific wish emerges later in his recollection of the conversation. Ilya had always hoped that his father might tell him he was proud of him. He also admits that he wished things between them could have been different. Bereavement thus brings forward not only the fact of the death but the loss of a hoped-for response that cannot now come. The funeral is imminent, yet the emotional reckoning concerns a relationship whose desired recognition remained unspoken and unrealized.

After speaking with Shane, Ilya stops at a coffee shop, orders a cappuccino, and worries that Shane might translate the words he has just said. The admission about his father is embarrassing to him, but he has also let slip that he believes he is in love with Shane and does not know what to do about it. Saying it aloud leaves him feeling lighter. The relief does not come from a new solution or from any belief that he can act on the feeling; it comes from allowing himself to acknowledge something he had kept so deeply hidden that he had been concealing it from himself.

Shane as Witness

Ilya’s decision to call Shane gives the conversation particular weight. He recognizes that they have become friends and that Shane was the person he thought of when he needed someone to talk to. Shane cannot resolve the family conflict or supply the approval Ilya wanted from his father. What he can do in this exchange is listen, ask how Ilya is doing, and remain present while Ilya falters over both his grief and his feelings for him.

The conversation also makes the bereavement inseparable from Ilya’s concealed love. His words about his father and the admission about Shane emerge together, but they do not carry the same consequence: he cannot change the past with his father, while acknowledging his love for Shane makes their present relationship harder to deny. Ilya’s relief at saying it is therefore real but limited. He has accepted the feeling privately, yet he does not believe that this acceptance makes it possible to pursue a future with Shane.

After the Funeral: Grief, Fear, and the Decision to End Things

The funeral takes place the following morning. By the next day in Montreal, Ilya has buried his father, but he has not cried; he recalls that he has not cried in more than ten years. The burial has not produced an outward release of grief. Instead, the loss is registered as a lump in his throat and as the recognition that his relationship with Shane must end. Ilya knows he has fallen in love with Shane Hollander and fears how much a separation will hurt, while also believing that their relationship was never supposed to reach this point.

His decision is driven by more than the pain of the immediate moment. Ilya fears that discovery would be disastrous in a professional hockey world he believes cannot imagine rival players being romantically involved. He worries that he could be forced out of the NHL, or left without a place on any team, and then have to return to Russia. He also understands that exposure could damage Shane’s career. Although Ilya sees the stakes as higher for himself, he does not want Shane to suffer professionally for the relationship. The father’s death does not cause this danger, but its timing places Ilya’s grief beside a second anticipated loss: the end of the relationship he has only just allowed himself to name. His resolve to end things is clear; the evidence establishes the decision and its fears, not that the breakup has already occurred.